Protect and Serve

An older lady gets pulled over for speeding…

Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma’am, you were speeding.

Older Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Older Woman: I’d give it to you but I don’t have one.

Officer: Don’t have one?

Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Officer: I see…Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Older Woman: I can’t do that.

Officer: Why not?

Older Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma’am, could you step out of your vehicle please!

The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Older woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Older Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma’am?

Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.

The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma’am, one of my officers told me you didn’t have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.

Don’t Mess With Old Ladies

A senior citizen drove his brand new Porsche convertible out of the Dealership in Butte, MT.   Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.

Amazing, he thought, as he flew down I-90, pushing the pedal even more.

Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw the highway patrol behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.   He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120.

Suddenly he thought, ‘What am I doing?   I’m too old for this’, and pulled over to await the trooper’s arrival.

Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Porsche, looked at his watch and said, ‘Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes.   Today is Friday.   If you can give me a reason for speeding that I’ve never heard before, I’ll let you go.’

The old gentleman paused and then said, ‘Years ago, my wife ran off with a State Trooper.   I thought you were bringing her back.’

‘Have a good day, Sir’, replied the Trooper.