Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
Insanity is my only means of relaxation.
Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
Blessed are those who hunger and thirst, for they are sticking to their diets.
Life is an endless struggle full of frustrations and challenges, but eventually you find a hairstylist you like.
You’re getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
Perhaps you know why women over fifty don’t have babies; they would put them down somewhere and forget where they left them.
One of life’s mysteries is how a two pound box of candy can make you gain five pounds.
God put me on earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now I am so far behind, I will live forever.
It’s frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
If you can remain calm, you just don’t have all the facts.
Stress reducer; Put a bag on your head. Mark it “closed for remodeling”. *Caution – leave air holes.
I finally got my head together, and my body fell apart.
There cannot be a crisis this week; my schedule is already full.
The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing in the right place, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
Time may be a great healer, but it’s also a lousy beautician.
The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.
The nice part of living in a small town is that when I don’t know what I’m doing, someone else does.
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.
Age doesn’t always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone.
Life not only begins at forty, it begins to show.
Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.
Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.
If at first you don’t succeed, see if the loser gets anything.
You don’t stop laughing because you grow old; you grow old because you stop laughing.
I don’t mind the rat race, but I could do with a little more cheese.
I had to give up jogging for my health. My thighs kept rubbing together and setting my pantyhose on fire.
Amazing! You just hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks two sizes.
It is bad to suppress laughter; it goes back down and spreads to your hips.
Age is important only if you’re cheese.
The only time a woman wishes she were a year older is when she is expecting a baby.
Freedom of the press means no-iron clothes.
Inside some of us is a thin person struggling to get out, but she can usually be sedated with a few pieces of chocolate cake.
Can it be a mistake that “STRESSED” is “DESSERTS” spelled backwards?
Seen it all, done it all, can’t remember most of it.
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
Pardon my driving, I’m reloading.
Despite the high cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
Author Unknown